Life is Scary

I think one of the scariest things about life is that you never truly know anybody. You don’t know they’re dark thoughts or the things they would never tell you. You don’t know their temptations and you’ll never fully know how much it takes one person to bend their morals. It’s so scary to think you can know someone for years and still never truly know them, and even if you know one version of them you’ll never truly know who they could be in a week. I watched my best friend and who I thought was the love of my life change from being a shy, nerdy, sweet boy, into a cocky man that lies, cheats and blames me for everything. Humans change and evolve everyday and you never know how. Sometimes you can believe you are meant to be with someone, but sometimes they grow out of that person you thought you were meant to be with and become something awful.

No ones perfect

Lately I have made some mistakes. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years then he went into the army and it changed him. When he came home for leave he would want to be physical with me then when I left I did not exist. I found out he was texting a girl he met at boot camp. He was sending pictures of himself shirtless and talking with her until 5 am after hanging up with me around 1 or 2 am saying he needed sleep. He was calling her cute and ignoring me for her and despite all of this I decided to give him a second chance. He had told me he was hearing rumors about me that I was cheating and this made me angry he trusted rumors instead of talking to me. My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 8 years and we’ve been dating for the past 2. I was planning to marry him, trying to figure out dates everything else was planned, and this whole cheating thing had me so thrown for a loop. I couldn’t talk to him either because he was back to AIT with no phone, so I couldn’t talk to him about how much pain I was in. I was questioning whether or not this relationship was right for me anymore because I never expected my best friend to do this to me. It made me think about how young I am and whether or not it was all worth it. While hurting I made out with another guy and I felt so horrible but I was afraid if I told him that he’d leave me. A couple weeks later I went out of state attended his graduation and everything was magical. We started to go back to normal and we were thinking about each other again and having fun together. I didn’t know after he cheated I could feel that way with him again. Then everything about me making out with that guy came out and he broke things off. I thought that maybe since I gave him a second chance he would give me one but he didn’t and now things are over. No one has ever made me feel so loved as he did and I’m so scared that maybe I never will. He’s not just my boyfriend he’s truly my best friend and I’ve lost both because I couldn’t deal with my emotions right. I wish I could explain to him that I would never make this mistake again and I only ever want to be with him. I wish I could change his mind, but I know it’s hard for him to believe anything I say right now. He’s going over seas in a week and I just want to see him. I know I messed up but we both made mistakes and I wish he saw the potential we have like I do. I’m heartbroken but I hope that he can find happiness where he’s going and I hope that he always remembers what he have. I will always love him no matter what.

Trust

Trying to find trust after cheating is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. At first I was so angry I thought for sure I would leave, but that’s easy to say when he’s away. Now that’s I’ve spent the last week with him, talking through everything it’s like I feel hope again. I believe he just made one mistake and I believe we can do this. But now that I’m sitting here alone again while he’s with our friends I’m terrified that maybe I was wrong. It’s terrifying to think that we have no control over others that we just have to put our faith and effort out there and hope for the best, and that we never truly know what they’re capable of. What I know is that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone and that I’m terrified, but I guess that’s love.

Plastic surgery

I think that plastic surgery is so weird, not judging. Like people can do whatever they want if that’s what makes them feel good, but like I’m terrified of even like breaking a bone and needing surgery. Like those people voluntarily decide to let someone cut into them, that’s a whole other level of trust I can’t imagine having. I don’t even trust myself that I locked the door I have to double check and then there’s people out here trusting a whole other human being to cut into your body and change it!

Amber

Dear Amber,

Hello, this is Rosie. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but there is no way I could ever forget you. I am the girl from your neighborhood that you took advantage of. I was four years old, how could you do that to me? You told me it was just a game, that as long as I played along and did not tell my parents I could hang out with you. I looked up to you, I trusted you and you took advantage of a child. Why? You’re the reason I am terrified to be touched, why I was labeled a prude because I couldn’t allow anyone to touch me. You’re the reason I cry at night and why I have trouble trusting people. I know that you’re never going to read this and I know that you probably don’t even care. But I wonder how many other girls you’ve scarred. I wonder if I had known what you were doing if I could have stopped you. I’ve spent years being angry with you. I’ve spent years hating you and myself. You made me feel damaged, you made me scared. I refuse to be scared by you anymore, and I refuse to let this anger control my life. I wrote this letter to let you know that what you did was horrible, but I don’t hate you anymore. I love the person I have become and what you did to me does not define me. I am free of you and no longer does anything I do happen because of you or my hate. I am finally free. Goodbye Amber.

Love,

Rosie

Bath Thoughts

Today while I was sitting in my bath, my face half numb from dental work, I decided I wanted to create something. So I decided to write,

When I was a little girl I had these crazy dreams,

Then I grew up and realized the world ain’t as it seems,

I thought that all dreams came true, but they don’t.

 I had to learn that to be successful,

You have to be smart, you have to think logically,

Cause fairytales and happy endings aren’t always meant to be.

I found out the hard way that love isn’t as easy as the movies made me believe,

They take real hard work and they take real love.

There is fighting, and crying, and fights taken too far.

I learned the hard way that you have to apologize and I learned the hard way sometimes you need time apart.